Monday, October 27, 2014

The Heretic Hunter Returns

Warning: Auto-defender has identified this post as bearing the marks of the infamous Heretic Hunter. The views contained therein are not representative of The Hopeful Heretic. Please disregard. Steps are being taken to prevent further infractions on this blog.

Ah, there you are. When you took off last time, I thought I might have offended you or something. At any rate, I'm glad I caught up with you. There's this congregation calling itself "Messianic" that I must warn you about. Allow me to list my complaints:
  • They failed to start on time. All good Christians should be punctual. No excuses.
  • Then there was the teaching. I can cite sixteen doctrinal errors in his teaching (yes, I was counting). No, I didn't learn could I when I was so busy mentally correcting the teacher?
  • The worship was clearly not spirit-filled. I know because I didn't feel the spirit. And the songs they picked were kinda boring.
  • Speaking of worship, I'm not sure what god they were worshiping, cause they obviously weren't using the correct pronunciation for my God's name.
  • The gal next to me was not dressed modestly. And I'm pretty sure she smelled of cigarette smoke. Why they would let such a sinner in, I don't know. Congregation is not the place for broken people.
  • Not to mention...wait, what?...
What do you mean I'm just a big complainer? Look now, you've completely ruined my list. And I was doing so well. I'll have you know I am looking out for your well being. Such a baby in the faith as you could be taken in by their false doctrines and wayward ways. Don't look at me like that. What do you mean "What about the people?" I told you, they're heretics! The evidence speaks for itself! Are they loving?!? I've just listed about a dozen heresies and you're worried about if they're loving?!?! Don't cite Scripture to me, young man...I know my Bible and you're taking John 13:35 completely out of context. What does it mean then? Nothing that relates to this conversation, I'll have you know. "Do not associate with evildoers"--that's what the Scripture says. Don't give me that junk about how we're all just a bunch of sinners. What a cop-out. "Be perfect" is what the Scripture says. "Be holy"--you know what holy means? Set apart! You must set yourself apart from such heretical congregations and have nothing to do with them. Of course this is what Jesus would do. What do you mean, "Jesus hung out with sinners"? Clearly a mistranslation--my Jesus would, look at what you've done. You got me using pagan names all over again. Shame on you.


Needless to say, I will not be going back to that congregation. Besides being totally unscriptural, I just don't have the time. There's so many other congregations to inspect for bad fruit (they seem to be multiplying like rabbits with all the congregational splits going on). I have to wonder, will I ever find my perfect congregation? Maybe I'll just go start my own...

Hey! Where are you going? Why doesn't anyone want to associate with me? Do you have any idea what it feels like to be an outcast?

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