Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Messianics and the Stop Sign

Photo Credit: Jorge ElĂ­as
A long while back I saw an article describing how people of different hermeneutics would approach a simple stop sign. I really liked the concept, so I decided to try to apply it to Messianics. It's good to laugh at ourselves once in a while (all is meant in good fun--I myself fall into several of these groups). Which of these fits you?

The Traditional Messianic
...comes to a complete stop at the stop sign for a minimum of three seconds, says a blessing, then continues on.

The Ultra-Traditional Messianic
...also explains all the ins and outs of who should go first should two, three, or even all four cars approach the intersection at the same time. He also knows how to handle the situation if pedestrians, cats, and/or dogs are thrown into the mix (including the halachic difference between a cat and a dog).

The Karaite Messianic

The One Law Messianic
...will preach that the stop sign applies equally to all people of all times, therefore all people must stop.

The One House Messianic
...explains that the stop sign only applies to native born. In the opinion of some, foreigners are even forbidden from stopping.

The Two House Messianic
...believes in his heart that because he feels the inner calling to stop at the stop sign, he must be a descendant of those people who originally paved the roads.

The Divine Invitation Messianic
...believes that all men are invited to stop at the stop sign and partake of the blessings thereof.

The Sacred Namer
...contends that one must say "stop" aloud upon approaching the stop sign. There is some debate as to whether the "o" is pronounced short or long.

The "Biblical" Calendarist
...holds that the stop sign is in the wrong place. He therefore stops where he believes the stop sign should be, though there is some debate about exactly where that is.

The Traditional Calendarist
...stops where the ancient authorities have placed the stop sign, even if it doesn't quite match up with the intersection.

The Messianic Apologist
...stands by the road explaining to all passers-by why how Yeshua's sacrifice does not free them from the law of the stop sign.

The Fundamentalist Messianic dismayed at the condition of our society in which people no longer take the stop sign seriously. He is convinced that this ignorance of the stop sign is a sign of our total depravity and the beginning of the end times. All those who do not come to a complete stop will be judged.

The Liberal Messianic
...takes a rolling stop.

The Kabbalistic Messianic
...examines the hidden meaning behind the letters of the word "stop," and finds the hidden meaning behind the commandment: "Sacred Time Of Prayer."

The Charismatic Messianic
...stops and then listens for the spirit to tell him when to go again.

The Wanna-be Jew
...replaces the stop sign with another stop sign in the shape of a star of David.

The Christian Messianic
...shows how the yield sign actually foreshadowed the first coming of Messiah by calling us to "Prepare the way." The stop sign has not yet been fulfilled, but will be when all of creation comes to a stop.

The Apocryphal Messianic
...shares his discovery of the lost "Go" sign, which he claims is the key to understanding all of the other signs.


  1. Hilarious ... I laffed till my ribs hurt ... good job Matthew!!!

  2. Really enjoyed this! I never realized there were so many Messianic "divisions" either. :D

    1. And probably more. We're quite a diverse group. Glad you enjoyed it =)

  3. How accurate, yet humorous. Thanks for the laugh!

  4. You forgot the paradoxical Messianic Agnostic who isn't fully convinced that the stop sign even exists, but still stops out of respect for the tradition.

  5. the sacred namer stops and pronounces S-T-Y-A-H-U-P aloud for all to hear. Gets out of the car with a can of spray pain to correct the spelling of the sop sign with its true spelling, before proceeding.

  6. the lunar sabbth keeper only stops if there was a red light 7 blocks prior. and then proceeds to stop every 7 blocks until they find a new red light. repeat

  7. LOL! Thanks for the laugh! :)

  8. LOL! Thanks for the laugh! :)